Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
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“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
super romantic virus
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Ok, WTF is this?