@ChipKellysBalls

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

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@harriweinreb

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

@CulturedRuffian

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

@OllyiConic

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

@AmishPornStar1

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

@parkerismss

security question: who was your first grade teacher?

my first grade teacher, hacking my bank account: oh HELL yes

@aparnapkin

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

@RexRizzo

Wired: “Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”

Amazon: “We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?”

@Divergentmama

Some questions in life you don’t even need to ask. Like when your child tells you they need to go to the store at 8pm to get stuff for a project.

You know 1) they’ve known about it for three weeks and 2) it’s due tomorrow.