@MyNameIsArchaic

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

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@WheelTod

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

@WilliamAder

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

@bazecraze

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

@ghostkrogh

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

@PondHockeyPro

Waitress *grating cheese: You just tell me when!

Me: Oh I will! *gets up and goes to the bathroom

@batkaren

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

@thatdutchperson

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

@kellyoxford

Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.

@ThugRaccoons

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.