Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
these two trucks have the same bed length
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.