@Darlainky

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

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@AndPlayDad

I don’t know what the big deal is.

Putting my toddler to bed is easy…

In fact, just tonight, I did it 25 times.

@happymilly1

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

@shawnspree

Squiggly line squiggly line space
Squiggly line squiggly line space
Squiggly line squiggly line space

~me reading Arabic DM

@EndhooS

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

@doktorj

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

@QTPiK8

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

@drinksmcgee

Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps… unless she’s plotting your murder… then don’t be that.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

@IHPower

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.