Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

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Nothing says I have faith in god like the six inches of bullet proof glass on the popes car.


Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet


Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl


I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.


*Frantically typing on google*
‘How to do CPR’
*Opens video, 30 second ad pops up*
[To dying person]
Ok just hold on a sec


I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.


*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*


If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.


I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.