Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
You Might Also Like
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.