@scullymike

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

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@thenoahkinsey

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

@Gupton68

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

@Pappiness

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

@IamEveryDayPpl

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

@Home_Halfway

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

@MarkAgee

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

@dinoman_j

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes πŸ™‚

@PissAndry

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

@forcemajeure40

Apparently when I’m at Olive Garden I’m family.

So why did they call the cops when I left without paying? My family never makes me pay.