would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Who did this…? 💫⚡️