Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
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4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Dietest Coke
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him