I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
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Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
courtroom exchange of the day
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.