me: [punching in at work]
boss: you know Chad is eventually going to press charges
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
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[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“I HAVE OTHERS”
[just loses it]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I’ve been divorced so long I’ve almost forgotten how to clear a computer history.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology