Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
next level snooze
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)