“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
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My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae