“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
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Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
🤣🤣🤣
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.