would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
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Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I know
Thoughts
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…