Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars