Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
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I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Traveler’s camo