“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
You Might Also Like
titanic
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”