@Hobo_Splendido

“Would you like the tuna fish casserole?”

“No thanks, I’ll take the pig ham sandwich”

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@qwertying

Airport Security: has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge, sir?

Sir: How the hell am I supposed to answer that?

@Quartzjixler

Today in my Teams staff meeting I’m going to end every statement with, “as the prophecy foretold.”

@mrjohndarby

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

@robfee

Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

@somecleverthing

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

@imadepoopstoday

I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

@TheToddWilliams

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

@LazyChank

Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.