@Hobo_Splendido

“Would you like the tuna fish casserole?”

“No thanks, I’ll take the pig ham sandwich”

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@Reverend_Scott

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

@Tmoney68

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

@pixelatedboat

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

@DurtMcHurtt

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

@MizzTangles

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

@Rollinintheseat

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

@Scriblit

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

@joshgondelman

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.