“Would you like the tuna fish casserole?”

“No thanks, I’ll take the pig ham sandwich”

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Airport Security: has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge, sir?

Sir: How the hell am I supposed to answer that?


Today in my Teams staff meeting I’m going to end every statement with, “as the prophecy foretold.”


[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?


Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza


discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.


I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.


Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?


Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.