I see that your IQ test came back negative.
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Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos