My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
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I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
twitter is a journey
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
unbelievably distressed by this ad
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter