You Might Also Like


“I like cooking my family and my pets.” Use commas. Don’t be a psycho.


I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.


Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW


[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*


At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.


Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven’t left your couch since 2011.


My favorite response to someone asking how something works… “Magic” even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy


So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.


Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”