“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
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“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
no such thing as a dumb question
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Boom, boom, ching!
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.