Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
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Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Today TO DO list:
1) vacuum huge spider in living room??
3)throw vacuum cleaner outside??
4)buy new spiderless vacuum
Why are they called Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the water to boil…
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me: *gets out of pool*
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist