@illuminatedwndr

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

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@Tmoney68

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

@hunz74

I just saw a lady jogging backwards. You go, girl…or you just went…or here you come. I don’t know which direction I’m going with this.

@justsomegirl81

Other mom: We only eat organic, gluten free foods.
This mom: My toddler ate the lint off the rug so now I don’t have to vacuum today.

@Holy_Mowgli

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

@daddydoubts

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

@RunwayDan

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

@Young_Litigator

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

@WheelTod

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.