@illuminatedwndr

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

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@KentWGraham

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

@ndiquote

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

@Wtftab

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

@vodkachops1

Today TO DO list:

1) vacuum huge spider in living room??

2) panic??

3)throw vacuum cleaner outside??

4)buy new spiderless vacuum

@AtticusFinch79

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

@BeingDBEAST

The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the water to boil…

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

@fillthevacuum

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist