Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
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Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me