“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
c’mon!
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”