Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
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Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too