I just licked guacamole off my elbow.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
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Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby’s house elf friends free.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”