@Probgoblin

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

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@QwertyJones3

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

@mrmxy

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

@sammyrhodes

Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby’s house elf friends free.

@AndyAsAdjective

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@david8hughes

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

@PetrickSara

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

@avainwordland

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

@TheSwanDon

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”