@adamgreattweet

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

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@Zombie_Kit

Cats are so lucky. Nobody thinks twice when they run from company and hide under the bed. I do it and its “weird”.

@QwertyJones3

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

@Marlebean

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

@FredTaming

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

@Gupton68

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

@johnbiehl

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

@mydanimarie

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

@Midgetspar

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

@SteveKoehler22

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

@Reach4theSkye_

I sexually identify as a microwaveable dinner. Ready in 3 minutes and don’t look anything like my picture