Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
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Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Worst bar ever.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!