Cats are so lucky. Nobody thinks twice when they run from company and hide under the bed. I do it and its “weird”.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
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[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I sexually identify as a microwaveable dinner. Ready in 3 minutes and don’t look anything like my picture