“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
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[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo