@iGreenMonk

Wouldn’t it be cool if Zombies & Vampires become human if we bite them first?

Somebody needs to test that one.

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@Jamie1947

In my youth, there was no “snapschapts”.
If you liked a young lady, you’d draw a proper picture of your genitals and send it to her parents.

@tsm560

Just for kicks whenever I run into an old friend I haven’t seen in a while I greet them with “holy shit I thought you died.”

@stellarjulez808

If a mad scientist ever clones me, throw a cube of cheese in the air. The faster one is me.

@BonaFideIntent

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

@just1fool

Nothing much worse than being forced to listen to someone else’s music and not be able to tell them their taste is shit.

@Wine_Honey1

Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties

@Jandalize

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

@dadamantium

Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know?

Him: Yeah.

Me: Want another juice box, bro?

Him: Yeah.

3 year-old neighbor boy gets me.