Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
You Might Also Like
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Dishonest mechanic?
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run