Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
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Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
sistine chapel
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads