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If the world was made of LSD, I’d learn to walk on my tongue.


🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶

Me: cool, where?

🎶To the east side.🎵

Me: a house?

🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶

Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?


Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House


My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.


Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.


“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”


I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.


*Cop Dog radios in*
We’ve got an armed robbery in progress
“What’s that boy?”
An armed robbery on 5th
“Timmy’s stuck in a well??”


Women freeze their eggs until they are ready to be a mom?

Can I freeze my two year old until I’m ready?


Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.