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@SveldtSmelt

If the world was made of LSD, I’d learn to walk on my tongue.

@English_Channel

🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶

Me: cool, where?

🎶To the east side.🎵

Me: a house?

🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶

Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?

@Tmoney68

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

@Elifcello

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

@mommy_cusses

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

@david8hughes

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

@Bez

I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.

@crylenol

*Cop Dog radios in*
We’ve got an armed robbery in progress
“What’s that boy?”
An armed robbery on 5th
“Timmy’s stuck in a well??”

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Women freeze their eggs until they are ready to be a mom?

Can I freeze my two year old until I’m ready?

@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.