Me: Whatcha doin?
12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead.
Me: Did Hershel die yet?
Me: Guess not.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet?
Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.