“Wow 4 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know”

Me: wow 4 kids… those are pretty damn permanent CAROL

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[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s


Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95


Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up


It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.


ME: My husband has a cold do you have those euthanasia pills?
PHARMACIST: I think you mean echinacea pills haha
ME: No.


Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.


“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.


John: Hey Jude…

Paul: Don’t make it bad

George: Take a sad song…

Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between


My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.