Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
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just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
“No way.” -Jose
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Just grow your own
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess