Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

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“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”


[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda


My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.


Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit


Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.


You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.


Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*