Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
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I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
an octopus is just a wet spider
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
channeling her this year
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Haha good job!!
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it