“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
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Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
*gets up and leaves