“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
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Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳