@DadandBuried

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

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@Mr_Kapowski

FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now

@ArfMeasures

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

@grovymango

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

@thentherewasmo

Driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel, because “10 and 2” is 12

@RorynotRoy

Your neck tattoo says “Only God can judge me,” yet here I am.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me putting in eye drops:
*eyelid*
*eyebag*
*nose*
*cheek*
*eyebrow*
*armpit*

@TheToddWilliams

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

@c12h22o11balls

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir