“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

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FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now


[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me


the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up


Driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel, because “10 and 2” is 12


Your neck tattoo says “Only God can judge me,” yet here I am.


Me putting in eye drops:


QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?


Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir