“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
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My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Childbirth is so beautiful
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.