Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
When you’ve simply given up.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Ion see the issue
Bloody internet 😳
I could NOT have put it better myself.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little