“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
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Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…