@Amburglar_

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

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@pissrifle

good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude’s blood/bones

@ravenswng_

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

@thedad

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

@Deurb1

Six inches of snow predicted tonight:
Is that twitter 6″ | |
Subway 6″ | |
Real life 6″ | |
Or Dan 6″ | | Cheesecake

@AndyAsAdjective

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

@TheCatWhisprer

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

@Sassafrantz

Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.

@looktothepickle

Her: are you even listening? I said I’m breaking up with you!

Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!

@badbanana

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

@TheCatWhisprer

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa