@josePhDhoran

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

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@Shade510

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

@ginnyhogan_

I want to date someone funny but NOT fun. I want him to make dark, witty jokes under his breath while sitting miserably in the corner of a party.

@lorigonzalez28

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

@aotakeo

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

@The_Grant_Boldt

God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people

[creates Twitter]

@chuuew

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

@rebrafsim

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

@Home_Halfway

If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team

@omgthatspunny

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it