“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
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Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.