* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?
Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
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I want to date someone funny but NOT fun. I want him to make dark, witty jokes under his breath while sitting miserably in the corner of a party.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team
It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it