“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

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* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.



I want to date someone funny but NOT fun. I want him to make dark, witty jokes under his breath while sitting miserably in the corner of a party.


If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.


wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino


God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people

[creates Twitter]


DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?


Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first


If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team


It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it