In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
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Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.