[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!