Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.

*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi

You Might Also Like


One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”


I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it’s not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.


*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold


I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.


Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.


Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*


[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”


There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.


And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…


Next time someone catches you talking to yourself, make it worthwhile by laughing, yelling “Good one!” and high-fiving the air.