@Awesomemom10

Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.

*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi

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@JustinMcElroy

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

@rolldiggity

I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it’s not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.

@SJSchauer

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

@PetrickSara

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

@Jeffwni

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

@Ygrene

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

@LifeStricken

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

@LisaMcAlister1

There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.

@AlottaInfo

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

@KKAlThani

Next time someone catches you talking to yourself, make it worthwhile by laughing, yelling “Good one!” and high-fiving the air.