“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
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After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.