“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*


Narrator: The power of Febreeze

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HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]


Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one


*detective bangs on table*
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*


MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom


The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.


Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?


Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden


Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.


Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.