Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
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My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
[entire audience starts laughig]
[audience laughs louder]
Me: I love you.
Her: I love DuckTales.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
4:*calls thing wrong name
4:*repeats wrong name
4:*maintains eye contact and repeats wrong name slowly
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I hope your TARDIS cookie jars often disappear from your kitchen counters. When they reappear they have a new variety of cookie in them and you just accept it because it seems like a good time for a new cookie.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?