Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
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My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.