“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
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[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart