@UncleDuke1969

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

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@dshack8

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

@bobbiejo448

I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.

@keeperoftheday

Girl: come over. Guy: I’m coming over. Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.

@lmegordon

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

@lenigs17

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

@ObiWanPunobi

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

@lovemydogduck

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

@gorrdano

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

@briangaar

[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot

@iamk1ts

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God