“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

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Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.


Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.


[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first


School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free


Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat.

Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn’t have.


Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)


You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.


I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.


I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.