“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
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Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.