wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
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Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.