Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
That’s no pocket rocket.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.