Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

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[Founding Fathers]
-But how do we get court witnesses 2 tell the truth?
-They swear on a bible?
-Thats stupid
-Hey lunch’s here


My 15 yo told me he is going to someday name his daughter “May” and it will be short for Mayonnaise but nobody will know.

I couldn’t be more proud.


High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years


One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.


Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.


Cop: Turn around
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round.
Cop: Turn around!
Me: Every..
*gets tased*


Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.


Her: Can I see your phone?

Me: Cu-caw! Cu-caw! Cu-caw! **Flaps imaginary wings and flys into another room**


[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT


That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh