Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

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Me: Wake up


Me: We’re late


Me: The house is on fire


Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*


Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”


imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night


When people say “Let’s not get off on the wrong foot here”, I reply “Please don’t get off on either of my feet”.


ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.


I’m going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.


It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.