Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
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“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.