Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
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[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one