Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats