This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen
You Might Also Like
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.
me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!