The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
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I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word