I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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I think about this a lot
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.