“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
when you are just born a rebel
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car