“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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i choose….tongue
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ